Time

I have been meaning to update this thing but just don’t have any motivation to do, well, anything that is even remotely related to productivity.  I think I can at least give it a shot.

I have hit a major wall.  I’m no longer enjoying anything, really, because I’m so over school and everything nursing related.  I don’t think I’d feel this way if I wasn’t stuck in Wyoming this summer.  It’s seriously horrible.  Or maybe it’s my attitude that’s horrible.  It’s probably a combination of both… more so my self-admitted poor attitude. I have been spending as much time as I possibly can in Fort Collins but that comes with it’s downsides, too…. you know, always knowing that I don’t have my own place in Colorado anymore but have to stay at Andrew’s instead.  And always having that “I have to return to Casper in a couple days” negative/stressful feeling hanging over my head and haunting my mind while I try to enjoy any relaxation.

And then the dreaded Casper situation…. I rent a room in a semi-decent house in Casper, but it has no air conditioner and with temps rising into the upper 90’s daily, it’s abso-freaking-lutely miserably hot and I don’t get any sleep.  Today I purchased one of those a/c wall units for a small room for $100 at WalMart.  It looks super complicated to put together and since I just got back to Casper after a 3.5 hour drive from Colorado and it’s 9:15 at night…. I’ll bear the heat again tonight and attempt to install it tomorrow.  Poor Copper wakes up panting in the middle of the night every single night we sleep here because he can’t handle the heat of the room.

In other stressors, I have 5 weeks left in this place and need to average approximately 45 or so hours per week at the hospital because I didn’t have any shifts last week.  Yikes.  That’s gonna be a pain in the butt considering shifts range from 7-12 hours depending on which unit I’m in.  Plus I need to take a Wyoming government test which means reading the entire Wyoming history/government book in order to pass the test and then finally, I need to create a 30 minute case study to present to my classmates and professors — all before August 7th. Bright side?  I am done in 1 month and 2 days.  Wooooooooo!

I think the biggest challenge I am facing this summer is the negativity that I can’t seem to combat. And I loathe negativity. But I have become a negative Nancy.  I admit it.  And I hate it.  I’m just so, so tired. All of the time.  I’m stressed.  I’m anxious.  The past 14 months have been so emotionally and physically exhausting.  If I could do it all over again I don’t think I’d choose U of Wyoming.  15 months accelerated nursing sounded great… until I began driving my life away for this program.  I have 25,000 miles on my brand new Subaru that I purchased in August.  25,000! Insane.  Oh – side note – I also have $3,000 worth of hail damage thanks to a crazy hail storm we got a week and a half ago.  I have insurance, but the deductible is just another cost that I can tack on to my summer expenses.  Not having a job since March has really started to get to me.

Aside from feeling tired, stressed and anxious I also feel unhealthy.  I feel like the stress has caused me to gain weight and even though it’s only a few pounds…. it is depressing.

And finally, there is that dreaded, “what’s next?” feeling that constantly, and I mean constantly – all day, every day – eats at me.  What do I do after August 9th?  Well, for starters, I am going to take care of the twins for 5 days. I haven’t seen the family since March and I miss them a bunch!  When the boys’ mom asked me to work those days I had to say yes!  And then, I tell you, I am packing up my car, grabbing Copper, and high-tailing myself back to California to do nothing but spend time with my family, study, sleep in, and did I mention do nothing? I need to get away. From everything Colorado and Wyoming. Seriously.  I need to just have a little bit of time to not feel like I am about to burst from nursing school and life in general related anxiety. (I have never been an anxious person, and it’s driving.me.nuts.)

And then what?  I don’t know.  I really don’t.  A huge part of me wants so badly to pack up my things and move back to California.  I miss being a 6 hour drive away from my family.  I miss the beach.  It was my happy place.  I think back to my independent nights after Steve and I broke up, when I was single and still learning who I was sans a boyfriend, and how I’d work all day and then rush back to the condo, grab Copper, and then take him to walk along the beach until the sun set.  It was so peaceful.  Afterwards, I would go home and make dinner or sometimes I’d pick up In N Out on my way home.   I was so much closer to God then and such a happier, better, freer person.  Some people NEED some type of escape to get them through the day.  Some people journal, others run – I walked on the beach.  My favorite time was the end of the summer, early fall and late spring before the beach got too crowded with tourists.  In the fall and spring dogs are allowed on the beach much earlier in the evening/afternoon and sometimes I’d spend a few hours with Copper, just enjoying the waves and the scenery.  I also think of my church in San Diego.  I still listen to my pastor, Miles, via The Rock mobile iphone app.  He’s incredible and hands down the best pastor – ever.  When I think of that church and the beach and the walks and how things were…. I want to go back.  Obviously when I left San Diego I was at a difficult time in my life.  I needed to get away from California and be on my own after everything that happened with Steve.  But it’s been almost 5 years since we broke up and almost 4 years since I’ve talked to him — clearly, so much has changed and I’m not the same person.  When I left San Diego I told myself I’d return as soon as I got my Nursing degree.  Well, it’s about that time…..

…but then there is Colorado.  And Andrew.  And the life I have built here.  But to be honest, most of that “life” has dissipated with nursing school.  I hardly keep in touch with any of the friends I made in Denver through church.  I moved to Northern Colorado and left behind a bible study I created, friends I met and a church I loved.  And then, with spending soooo much time in Wyoming….. the life I had in Colorado, aside from Andrew and his family and a couple friends, no longer exists.

And finally – the dreaded thought of… no matter which place I choose, will I even be able to find a new nurse job?!

So as my last 5 weeks undoubtedly fly by…. I know I’ll be stressed and anxious and faced with many uncertainties. I can only pray that I can learn to trust God in these times… though the planner in me feels better trying to take complete control and plan my own life out for myself.  What I fail to remember is that it’s really not in my hands and that God has a plan for me….

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.