I start Wednesday.
A part of me is excited. A part of me is scared. A part of me is wondering if I am even intelligent enough to be in a graduate program. I feel like I’ve gotten less and less intelligent over the years and I definitely blame it on technology, social media, the lack of reading and over abundance of Netflix shows that have stolen days of my life. More than anything, I blame it on myself for allowing those things into my life… and I blame myself for my lack of dedication to the things I once truly cared about – current events, politics, world health, other countries… I feel like the learning has really slowed down. After coming back to America in 2006 I was good for a while. I really was. I stayed up to date on everything. I read all of the time. And then, slowly, I got back into the rat race and fell back into that stereotypical American way of life. Me me me me. I so badly want to travel again and leave this life for a while. Turn off the phone for a few weeks. Get back in check with reality. I haven’t had the opportunity in far too long. I really hope and pray that changes soon.
In any case, whether I’m ready or not, here it comes. I purchased my books today. Theoretical Basis for Nursing, Advanced Practice Nursing.. even the titles scare me!
I am sure some of these feelings coincide with my new job. It’s scary working in a big hospital. My unit isn’t really what I thought. For whatever reason, I thought these people weren’t going to be as sick as some of the people at my last hospital job because they don’t come onto my unit as inpatient. Instead, they come as observation patients. Yeah. Right! Apparently observation unit also means “we’re going to observe you for x amount of hours and if you tank, you’ll stay in the unit until the hospital has another bed for you.” So as I said, its scary working in a big hospital. I feel overwhelmed on a daily basis. I feel unorganized with my charting. I feel so dumb when I don’t know exactly what’s going on with my patient’s body but I am expected to be taking care of them. I’m looking things up at work, I’m asking questions. I know this is what training is for, and I get several weeks of training, but I still feel inadequate. A lot. I told this to my preceptor yesterday on my last day of day shift training with her. She said I am doing a great job and she’s extremely impressed. I am thankful. But it doesn’t make me feel any better, really. I’m still feeling extremely stressed. But I love my new job. And I love working with this patient population. So much! I just know things will get easier. I’ll get faster. I’ll get more organized. I’ll learn more about the different body systems…. I’ll remember things I learned in nursing school. I signed up for this when I left my easy, almost secretarial, mental health nursing job to go back to the hospital setting. I remember being on the phone with my dad prior to accepting the job and telling him that it was going to be hard. It was going to be SO hard. But if I wanted to get back into the hospital setting then I was going to have to learn to deal with hard.
I know I eventually want to move away from bedside nursing, and earning my Masters will prepare me for that. But I also know that moving away from bedside nursing, for me, means first learning all about and working as a bedside nurse for a while. How else would I eventually teach nursing students without being able to say I have first hand experience with what they’re going to be doing?
Anyway. I’m really happy I have my Erin Condren planner that mom got me for Christmas. Going to hold myself accountable for being super organized 😉 Going to get back into that student groove. And to think, when I graduated, again, in August 2013 I was 95% sure I would never return to school again. Ohhhh, life.