the blessings of change

I’m Starting over. Say that a few times without feeling anxious.

It’s such an interesting concept. To start over. For the past five and a half years I’ve been in the same pattern of life. The daily struggle to make something of myself, to be independent, to survive and thrive on my own away from my family, to be happy, to work towards something greater… to make my relationship work. I tried for 5.5 years to make my relationship work. He tried, too. I don’t want to say who tried harder, or who failed, or who is to blame.

A few weeks ago, after literally years of going back and forth, we finally said goodbye. And haven’t looked back.

It was so difficult. I just looked at him that day and felt emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted. Completely heart broken.  But it had to be over. And today I still have moments where I honestly feel like I can’t breathe because picturing a life without him, picturing a different life than the one we talked about, doesn’t seem possible. But I also have this weird peace that comes over me at times, reassuring me that everything is in God’s control. And what is in store for my future and my life is because it is His plan for me. It’s so hard to tell myself that but at the same time… I’m so lucky to have such a strong faith and relationship with Jesus that I can take comfort in knowing that He wants what is best for me. Always. And what’s best for me was not Andrew.

The year 2015 has been scary and wonderful, crazy, heart wrenching and magical. I have found a new confidence in myself and have finally reached goals that I’d been too afraid to even dream of in the past. This was possible because this year, unlike the previous five, I decided I was going to live my life for me.  Just me.  I was done waiting for things to finally work out, for us to move forward. I was done waiting.  I am done waiting.  And isn’t it interesting to see how that turned out?

I started my Master’s program and I’m already heading into my fourth class this month. I have branched out and met so many new friends and I really am so thankful for them. I left my comfort zone and resigned from a job I wasn’t enjoying and returned to the hospital setting. It’s tough being a medical-surgical nurse but I have learned so much and as a nurse that is priceless. Most importantly to me – I have learned to find joy in other places. So much of my joy used to come from Andrew. Today, it comes from so many things. From a cup of coffee in the morning and the view of the mountains from my balcony. From a night spent doing nothing but watching Netflix. From waking up at 2am to climb a mountain. From driving to Boulder and hiking and then picking up dinner to go at my favorite Mexican restaurant. From my new lab rescue, Zainey. She’s hard work, and she’s had a rough past, but she’s a doll. Of course from my very best friend, Copper. From getting a good grade on a paper in school. From my job. From my co-workers. From my family who I just got to spend a week with.  From my wonderful church and all of the lessons I can apply to my life that my wonderful pastors teach us. From Jesus and knowing His plan is perfect… even when I try to sabotage it.

Breakups are brutal. And I don’t know anyone who can relate to having a relationship fail after five and a half years of trying… so breakups are also very lonely. But the time for introspection is there. And there are times in everyone’s life (hopefully) when being introspective is the best blessing.

I’m starting over. It’s scary and wonderful, crazy, heart wrenching and magical.

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