Well, the front range anyway. I made the long trek from California to Colorado over the weekend. I drove solo with my dogs, who are total road trip troopers, and stopped the first night to grab a hotel room in Salt Lake City. We woke up early Sunday morning, grabbed breakfast at the hotel and headed out. By the time I turned onto the Northwest Parkway and headed west with only 9 miles to go, I couldn’t wipe the silly grin off my face. I. Was. Home. It’s weird to think that California went from being home to “where I grew up” and Colorado went from “Colorado” to “home”. But… this place! I just love it so much! I walked into my apartment and just sighed a heavy sigh of relief. The struggles of the past several months were set aside for a moment and I just breathed. And thanked God. And breathed. My apartment was in one piece (sans a few things I noticed looked a bit different from when I left… but I suppose that’s a given when people live in your apartment while you’re gone). Most importantly, the feeling of being home was upon me and it was overwhelming. I could have cried tears of joy. The dogs immediately ran to the balcony. It didn’t take Copper long to resume his spot on his pillow outside, watching the happenings of Superior. My mountain view was as pretty as ever and as I watched the sun set from my balcony that night I could not help but feel so, so blessed.
Since Sunday afternoon I’ve been slowly unpacking and rearranging my apartment. I was thinking of moving into an apartment down the hall that’s a lot bigger and with an extra bedroom but I would have to give up my end unit and my view, while still mountainous, would not be as good. Plus the apartment is a big chunk of change more than what I currently pay and since my goal in the next several months is to buy a house or townhome I suppose I should save the extra rent money instead of spend it on space I surely want but don’t need. I’ve always had this idea of living simply and I don’t think accumulating more space will lead to me accumulating less.
So to make my apartment feel like a new apartment and to get more out of what I have, I am redecorating. I purchased a couple new pieces for my living room and bedroom, picked out a new shower curtain and bathroom colors and got new pillows for the couch. I’m also organizing. Like, really organizing. I even hung up my backpacks in their own space and dedicated some shelves in the entry closet just for my gear. (My gear! Any Coloradoan knows how important space for gear is!) It’s the little things.
It feels weird to be back. It’s incredible. But it feels weird. I feel weird. I look back on my time in California with such mixed emotions – being close to family and how nice that was, the struggle of the job, the heartbreak of leaving Colorado and my ex-boyfriend but knowing that in doing so I did something for myself that changed me. By going to California and removing myself from Colorado and the ex, I was able to finally grieve. That was something I just don’t think I did during the months prior to leaving. I was able to really grasp the severity of the situation and I was able to get away from him, stop the back and forth contact, stop letting him dictate my emotions and I was able to come back to MY home a better, stronger, happier woman. We no longer talk, AT ALL, and it’s been that way since just shortly after I left for California. It’s really helped. It’s what I needed. It’s why I said goodbye and sent him home that day in early August. I needed to move on.
Adulting is hard. My gosh, it is hard. But it’s incredible, too. I feel so, so blessed to be a single 30 year old with the ability to make my own choices and live the life I create, with a good head on my shoulders (or so I think ;)), a loving God, a supportive family, dogs that I love to pieces, a career, good friends, happy moments… I used to look at my singleness a month or so after the breakup and wonder why my life was so different than what I imagined it would be. What was I doing dating someone for so many years, stuck in a relationship that was seemingly going no where.. when other friends were getting engaged, married, starting families. What was I doing giving up who I really was and wanted to be? Now I look at my life, the past several months, the changes, the struggles, the happiness, the sadness, the little moments of clarity… and I just feel so, so blessed to be where I am. Today I was in the car with a friend and I heard myself say to him, “I’m happier than I have ever been….” and the best part? I meant it.
Here’s to being back in Colorado & a year full of joy.